月の銀の熟視は深く中潜んでいるものが反映する. getsu no gin no jukushi wa fukaku naka hisonde iru mono ga hanei suru (moon's silver gaze reflects what's lurking deep within)

As i was taking the garbage out, i felt a sadness that i termed "self-pity". i thought i was pitying myself because i cant seem to do things right in this house. mom is always doing everything, and i do nothing. and i wondered and said to God, "what if i just leave. right now. just take my watch for time and go?" then i realised i couldnt do that. where would i go? the night is bitterly cold. as i turned to go in after i took out the trash, i thought about putting my bike away, which i did. then as i locked the door, i saw my shadow in silver. i looked and saw the silver gaze of the moon, surrounded by stars.

i smiled inside.

i felt slightly deterred because of how i am now.

a little voice in me even spoke of ending it all.

i heard that voice before; it came when i was at low points in my day, in my life.

there were times i nearly gave into that voice, about just being alone.

then other times entertained morbid thoughts.

would anyone miss me if i was dead?

if i was gone?

or would life return to normal?

but i dont talk about those thoughts.

i dont even label them as thoughts.

i discard them and cling to God.

if i dont then.

I might as well be dead.

i dont know..

there are some days i understand what i am doing revision wise.

there are others when i am just clueless about what i am doing, as if i never done if before, and i know i have.

it makes me wonder whether i am insane or not.

like tonight for example.

i was trying to revise math, and i looked at it as if it was the first time i done it..

what is wrong with me?

why do i waste time?

what is wrong with me that i dont do things properly?!

i want to change.

i need to change.

i must change.

but will it happen before its too late?

is the question at hand..

Listening to music; yet thinking of events..

It was cold today.. i wonder why i didnt wear gloves to town.. foolish choice. anyway i am back inside now. i cant complain, my life is going good. but i dont take it for granted.

i have to work for it, and i know i need to do what i have to do.

but she makes it worthwhile even more so.

i dont always feel like "woo, i am loved" 24/7. but i do feel a sense of "i dont have to think about any other girl because i have her." that is constant.

even when i am in town and i see other women, i dont even acknowledge it to my brain.

just her.

sophie asked me yesterday if i was in anyone.

i told her i was.

she was shocked but she was happy for me.

i been on that end; i knew she wasnt happy for herself. but it happened like that so i am not bothered anymore.

now i think about 2010.

hmm.

this year felt long. longer than usual.

but so many good and bad things happened.

i will list some.

bad things

arguments with people

self hatred

fights with friends (verbal)

good things

alive

friends

america

gig with band

driving lessons

her.

just some of the stuff that has happened.

indeed.

cos i felt like doing this type thing

i always say type thing.. always!!
i mean its cool type thing.
see what i mean?!
anyway.. thats not what this is about.
its about her.
and she is like whoa to me =]
a good whoa not a bad one :D
she's got what i like :D
brains and everythang =]
just noice :D
all of it :D

Some things You dont see coming... =]

If i am truly honest to myself, the last couple of days werent the best in the life of me; i felt like utter death due to my cold, i had trouble thinking straight about clear issues, and to top it off, i thought my relationship was going a bit south.
all due to me.
but you know what?
sleep is a good stress reliever.
also staying up late doesnt help either.
so kicking that habit.
one month today. Noice.
so much work to do today; i think it was good that we didnt see each other at the moment, because we have so much to do.
plus unless she wants to meet my ex in town today, then that would have been slightly awkward.
she is something else;
both God and Satan knows this; the latter wants me to think of what was tormenting my brain last night;
this morning however God took control.
I remember that God has the reign and I let Him do His job.
therefore, i force myself to not think about the negative side of her. but the good only.
it isnt being naive, although sometimes the Devil does tempt me to be skeptical of everything.
I am being true.
I want her to be happy, so we must both do our best revising.
I just take it one day at a time.
And I love it.
Talking later, as now is time for EP!! :D

things start to look up when you stop looking down

i gotta tell you... part of me thought
"is this the end? for us? for me? did come all this way to lose it out?"
i gotta thank God it wasnt so.
the Devil surely wanted me to hate. to feel resentment. bitterness. anger. malice.
but God had other plans.
i love her because God helps me to love her.
He reminds me of His love for me; and He can love me, why if she made a mistake, i cant love her?
am i better than God Himself?
that question is already answered.
I love her.
even if i have to spend every day telling her that. every hour. every minute.
i wouldnt stop.
because tonight was a test of love. a test of true love that stands hardship.
will it fade away, and be false? or will it be true as stirling?
and i realised something..
i passed.

I cant say i am feeling good right now

nope.
not at all.
and it all stemmed from one conversation.
i went from feeling slighty good to down right cold and indifferent.
and it hurts.
especially because she said it to me; things i didnt want to hear; that i couldnt help but hear; that confirmed things that i didnt want to hear. or did it?
her words were like the sharpest arrows to my already bleeding heart, each word piercing deeper and deeper.
til it felt like i had no longer a inkling of our togetherness.
let me tell you.
it didnt tickle.
it didnt feel nice.
she led me to a side of her, where i wanted to avoid.
well tonight..
i got to see it.
and i wonder if everything will be the same again.
i so want it to be the normality and not this nightmare i seemed to have been plunged into.

Its funny when you read your past..

it is as you say: did i write that?
wow.
i look back now and think
so much has been done in the past year.
what does next year hold?
i know some things have to change .
by God they will.
but one thing i dont want to change is or lose is:
Her.
she makes me happy.
i know i said that about girls on this before but she does.
absolutely.
all the time.
i cant help but think about her and smile inside.
she is just my gift and awesomeness.
thank you.
always.

Now 19...

yesterday sure was good.
but i didnt write in my journal like i wanted too!!!><
never mind i will do it today and say what i wanted to say yesterday!
today was good too.
not many ppl in church as they were visiting.
good nonetheless..
but my throat kills.
bad times... ><
it was a good day today however so cant complain!

LAST DAY OF BEING 18

THOUGH I HAVENT WRITTEN IN THIS IN DONKEY YEARS.. ACTUALLY 4 MONTHS BUT IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER!
BECAUSE SO MUCH HAS GONE ON!
LAST DAY OF BEING 18!
IT WAS GOOD WHILE IT LASTED!
PROJECT X GOING STRONG WITH THE 3 ORIGINALS.
BIRTHDAY PARTY WAS AWESOME!
still looking for a job tho! ><
oh well!
new year, hopefully jobs!
i got 2 offers for uni !
lancaster and leicester!
woo!
thats it!
next time i write on this,
I
AM
19!
HAVE IT!
=]