Lost and Found

i was looking for my license for my theory, the other part of it and i couldnt find it.
so i was like "nani?!?!" and i went upside down on my room.
then i found memmory lane. and i stopped and read..
and i wondered to myself, "if only i could go back to 2008 and do things right and avoid the heartaches i had and mistakes i made.." but oh well.
now to put everything back and do work...
woo... >.< lol

Looking through a glass darkly...

I just thought about something that is really important in my life..
i mean over the past couple of days and maybe weeks, i havent been what i should have been..
and i realised that i have gone off track with God.
He knows it.
I know it.
Simple.
But when i stop and realise, "hey this world isnt all there is to it" that i realise that i need to change.
problem: i cant.
not by myself.
i love what i do.
but i have to change.
and i want to change.
but i cant. by myself.
so what do i do?
I need God.
Only He can stop me from having the dark desires i crave and want, and to turn me around fully and to stop me doing them..
another thing i realise is that this life is nothing.
its in a sense.. worthless..
i say that because of what is coming up after this..
eternity..
and whether or not i want to think about it, it is going to happen..
100 years is going to seem like nothing in contrast to a yajillion years(made up word i know but still!)
and then.. even then.. Jesus will just say, "its not even begun yet!"
i want to live eternally..
there are things on this planet i always wanted to do, but havent done..
proper horse riding..
swimming(yea, i know i can do it here, but still...)
play with sharks =]
fly and such :D
the Devil just wants to distract me with this life, so that i dont prepare for the other one..
and i gotta say, i fell for it, playing games like halo and such..
i thought "woo. this is the life".
uh no.
as much as i loved those games, i want to hate them like i used to.
i told someone that i wouldnt do something, then i started doing it again.
and they were like, how come u told me u wasnt yet you are doing it again?
and i couldnt answer it..
some crap answer i gave, but it wasnt a good one..
its time for me to stop being 2 sided about this christianity.
especially as uni is approaching..
i need to decide whose side i am going to be on.
God's. or Satan's.
My life depends on that answer..
other thing i thought about was what was i going to do about this situation with jodi.
i mean personally, i want to talk to her.. but i also ask if i am truly ready to do so..
at times i think i am ready to do so.
hmm.
only time can tell, and how i feel about it then..
besides that..
nothing else at the moment..

Man What A Day

today wasnt too bad..
chem was good.
was going to have band practice, but rock school said we couldnt!
so i was like!?!?!"?!"?!"
anyway, i spoke to the music teacher, and she said we can practice on monday.. so thats good.
this extended project is getting close...
so much to get done in a sense..
the lyrics to get done.. to record it. to get people's opinions for the end of the song.. if i cant get it at the time, i can do one or two, and use that for the research..
hmm.. i got some time.. but so much to do!! >.<
also i left my keys so i had to wait for my mom to get home again¬¬
also now project x has 5 members now! :D
now i am like ahh..
eating time..
so much to think about....
this project is most on my mind...

Backing up stuff

Rasheed gave me his hd to back up my pc.
doing it now...
going nicely =]
6 months and counting til uni!! :D

Heading out..

Right.. Going out soon..
Dave's not feeling well, but his mom said that she would let me know how he is doing later.
i got to go to heathcote for that practical.. at 2..
might as well as study before then.. but should i stay at home or go to school and do it??
hmm...

Night time..

Just doing some work..
As usual..
Got a lot done today as well. So that's not bad for me..
Time to do a bit more then sleep.
Funny.
I never gone to sleep this early in a LONG time..
Looks like a change is coming..

What would life be on this planet without love?

Would life even exist for a day without it?
Everyone scrambling and wanting for themselves.
If others cant get it, too bad.
Thats how it would be.
In some parts of the world, thats how it is. And to those who are in that position,
its a living nightmare for them.
Sometimes I wonder what this planet would be like if God never came back to save it from utter destruction, and Satan was to be the master of this planet.
I think about it, and I shudder.
I am glad that God is in control.
1日。 この苦痛はすべて行く。 そして幸福は最終的に楽しむことができる。
one day.. all this pain will be gone.. and happiness can finally be enjoyed..

愛は何であるか. (What is Love?)

As i thought about writing this, i thought to my own self- what is love?
Is it something that people always want and think they have but in fact they never have it?
Is it something that can be obtained at all?
How do you know that what you have is love?
I dont ask this a sceptic of love, because i believe love is real and vibrant.
I also believe i have been in love before, and the pain of separation from it.
so i dont doubt it.
but as i am downloading sermons and about to listen to them, i wonder-
Where will i find this love for another human being? its something always spoken about in books, films, and all sorts. But what myself personally? When is it my true time?
Obviously I am not God Himself; only He knows when and where and how this will come about.
But something is new about me in a sense as well.
Now that i am single again, i dont feel that loneliness that i felt when i was single before..
There are times when i think of how it used to be when i wasnt, and how happy i was. but..
now there isnt a loneliness of sorts.. i just try to think about university and the chances and things i can do there.
uni..
the place of dreams and desires.
where i can be me all the time.
a time where i can explore myself and be myself.
scary yet amazing.
thrilling yet terrifying.
and i cant wait.
another thing i also learned is that when I, Siddell James Bloodsaw, stops looking for someone to share all this pent-up love that he has in his heart with that woman, that God Himself will be able to use the time alone to make me ready for that person.
whoever it is.

主は、喜んでであることを決定している私を作る。 私をあなたが私にとあってほしいその人の準備ができたようにする時期を使用しなさい。
ありがとう.
(God, make me willing to be willing. use the time to make me ready for that person you want me to be with. thank you.)

Every Day Gets Closer..

Every day is another day closer to when i go to uni..
looking at accommodation stuff now..
a lot to look through for the 3rd time but still better early than late...

OMD!!!

good news!!
B&Q want to interview me!! they will get in touch on friday!! :D
^.^

Time to plan and to think...

If I am honest, today was stressful in a sense and not so in another..
its just these exams to pay for.. it gets to me..
mom was saying about choosing the unis now..
i am going to choose lancaster and reading as my 2 after talking with her on it.
also the ep is not going bad. just so much to do on it..
man it gets to me..
and to top it off, my pc has a virus somehow..
need to get it off.
write later..

Man it works when you do it..

Stuck to a plan today for revision, and didnt deviate in any major way.. nice =]
also was thinking about what console to get at uni..
ps3 or 360??
the battle continues =]

Man I need to get some sleep...

I shouldnt even be up.. But i am..
and i am hungry as well.. >.<
oh well..
was looking through some friends stuff..
glad to see he's with someone he wants.. =]
i dont even need to say anything..
said it before..
but i am hungry!! >.<
ahh...
i am gone.

Thinking...

I was just thinking...
At uni, i am going to be starting a lot of things pretty much from scratch...
Martial arts.. scratch..
Guitar theory.. scratch..
Nutrition.. scratch...
Bodybuilding.. scratch...
Japanese.. scratch..
I have so much i want to do and say now..
but there isnt time it seems.. :/
it's annoying and frustrating when i cant do everything i want to do now..
one day hopefully, i can do those things i want to do now..
hopefully..

Let this night be a good one...

Sabbath started..
Before it started, i was looking at some stuff to begin working out..
now i still need to get the weights and the pullup bar, as well as sort as much as possible the nutrition.. but i will start soon.
also applied for asda.. hopefully i can get in..
got to retake 5 exams...
plus the ones i got to do now..
i must get 2 B's..
thats all i want.. and i will work nonstop til i get them. if i can get higher then all the better..
there are some times, like now when my heart feels that emptiness..
and i know why...
but its at this time, i try to make myself busy.. and talk to God about it..
the pain will go when its time to fully go..
for now, i dont need or want a relationship, because of all this work i have to do..
part of me wants one.. and feels like its a need.
which it is in a sense.. but lets get to uni, and then i can look for a potential girlfriend..
for now..
become the social hermit..
and workout..
and to channel my frustration and anger into that..
it'll pay off..
it has to.

This morning..

Guess today is the day i find out what my results are..
i pray that they are good and few retakes as possible...
also just in a low mood...
and it sucks..
just feel cold inside and outside..
:/
it'll pass..
but what a way to start a morning..

Some days seem harder to bear than others..

Just in one of those moods..
the one where you think and feel as if it would be better if you werent around sort of moods..
I know that isnt the case. People do want me around.
I just feel at times, because i mess up so much, that it would be better at times, for split seconds if i wasnt here..
hmm...
every now and then, pangs of that comes.. then goes..
sometimes i wonder if i am going to make it there or not..
the mind wonders..
:/

Today is starting to be a nice day

i just came home. i had a lot of things on my mind. i got a letter from reading about my course. because they think i need a boost, they gave me a course for a science with a foundation course. and i thought that meant they thought i wasnt good enough. until my mom read it to me. after i complete the first year, i can do the MEng of computer science and cybernetics!!! i am like <3!!!!
OMD!!!
also went to david's house. it was good.
that means i am like woo!!
i also had a pang of loneliness as well... but it passed just like the others.
what i wish is that is the good times never ended, and the bad times never came.
but if that happened, it wouldnt be life.
so...
i am still so happy about the reading course!!
now i got to work my butt off!! :D
^.^

i am off to sleep

i just thought to write one last thing..
if she is reading this.
if she still reads this..
part of me wants to talk to her.. but the pain is too great to do it right now..
one day hopefully, i can talk to her and not feel this pain..
hopefully.

that's just it..

someone just told me something that i knew but it felt as if it hit me square between the eyes.
i feel like this because she was the first love of my life.
so separation from her feels like death in the emotional sense..
am i being too much into this?
am i just babbling like a fool? who doesnt know any better?
i wonder at times..

what a day..

this day was one of the most painful i have felt in quite a while..
i have just been all over the place emotionally and mentally, and i havent been doing as much work as i need to be.
i went through nearly every mood possible today; from happy to inexpressable sadness.
in some parts due to this heartache..
i sometimes just want to scream at the top of my lungs, and just scream.
scream until my lungs want to burst.
scream until the pain stops hurting.
i even think about morbid things every now and then.
things i wouldnt think about if i was being in the right mind.
then i ask myself, "WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY?! THIS HURTS TOO MUCH TO EVEN WANT TO DESCRIBE!"
then i remembered one thing.
if it didnt hurt, what i went through would have meant i felt nothing and everything was a lie.
the pain is a sign that i put my heart into it.
and came out the wrong end.
sometimes i do wonder.
i really do..
what it would be like to not be here..
just for a bit..
maybe to not exist..
just to not feel this nagging and deep pain..
i want to make it stop.
but it wont.
it feels like a wound that gets deeper and deeper, with each night..
people say it will pass..
i understand that..
but at the moment, it feels like nothing will make it go away.
because i have so many questions in my head.. i feel like i am the unworthy. the unnoticed. the last thing people, even a woman would want.
all because i feel like this.
this heartache makes me want to cry until every bit of water cant escape my body anymore.
i cant even remember the last time i felt this much emotional pain over a relationship loss.
not even for natalie.
and i thought i was in it for her..
just goes to show myself.
maybe its better if i just dont have emotion, not to show it like i used to.
all it gets me is heartache.
i try to show it, i get the rejection sooner or later.
all i feel now is that when i look at a relationship, instead of feeling peace of mind that i am with that one woman that can make me happy, i now feel fear.
fear of rejection, and that she will say the words that will launch me into pain once again.
i dont want that.
i thought this would be different.
an end to all the lonely nights and days i had.
it felt like it would be.
but the dream turned into the deepest nightmare.
is there a way out of this nightmare??