月の銀の熟視は深く中潜んでいるものが反映する. getsu no gin no jukushi wa fukaku naka hisonde iru mono ga hanei suru (moon's silver gaze reflects what's lurking deep within)

As i was taking the garbage out, i felt a sadness that i termed "self-pity". i thought i was pitying myself because i cant seem to do things right in this house. mom is always doing everything, and i do nothing. and i wondered and said to God, "what if i just leave. right now. just take my watch for time and go?" then i realised i couldnt do that. where would i go? the night is bitterly cold. as i turned to go in after i took out the trash, i thought about putting my bike away, which i did. then as i locked the door, i saw my shadow in silver. i looked and saw the silver gaze of the moon, surrounded by stars.

i smiled inside.

i felt slightly deterred because of how i am now.

a little voice in me even spoke of ending it all.

i heard that voice before; it came when i was at low points in my day, in my life.

there were times i nearly gave into that voice, about just being alone.

then other times entertained morbid thoughts.

would anyone miss me if i was dead?

if i was gone?

or would life return to normal?

but i dont talk about those thoughts.

i dont even label them as thoughts.

i discard them and cling to God.

if i dont then.

I might as well be dead.