what a day..

this day was one of the most painful i have felt in quite a while..
i have just been all over the place emotionally and mentally, and i havent been doing as much work as i need to be.
i went through nearly every mood possible today; from happy to inexpressable sadness.
in some parts due to this heartache..
i sometimes just want to scream at the top of my lungs, and just scream.
scream until my lungs want to burst.
scream until the pain stops hurting.
i even think about morbid things every now and then.
things i wouldnt think about if i was being in the right mind.
then i ask myself, "WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY?! THIS HURTS TOO MUCH TO EVEN WANT TO DESCRIBE!"
then i remembered one thing.
if it didnt hurt, what i went through would have meant i felt nothing and everything was a lie.
the pain is a sign that i put my heart into it.
and came out the wrong end.
sometimes i do wonder.
i really do..
what it would be like to not be here..
just for a bit..
maybe to not exist..
just to not feel this nagging and deep pain..
i want to make it stop.
but it wont.
it feels like a wound that gets deeper and deeper, with each night..
people say it will pass..
i understand that..
but at the moment, it feels like nothing will make it go away.
because i have so many questions in my head.. i feel like i am the unworthy. the unnoticed. the last thing people, even a woman would want.
all because i feel like this.
this heartache makes me want to cry until every bit of water cant escape my body anymore.
i cant even remember the last time i felt this much emotional pain over a relationship loss.
not even for natalie.
and i thought i was in it for her..
just goes to show myself.
maybe its better if i just dont have emotion, not to show it like i used to.
all it gets me is heartache.
i try to show it, i get the rejection sooner or later.
all i feel now is that when i look at a relationship, instead of feeling peace of mind that i am with that one woman that can make me happy, i now feel fear.
fear of rejection, and that she will say the words that will launch me into pain once again.
i dont want that.
i thought this would be different.
an end to all the lonely nights and days i had.
it felt like it would be.
but the dream turned into the deepest nightmare.
is there a way out of this nightmare??